


unchecked accord

by Oodles



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: AkuSai, Cismale Isa, Cismale Saix, M/M, Transmasc Axel, Transmasc Lea, leaisa, there is a story build up to the sex, they were deeply unhealthy as nobodies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-05-01 20:54:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19185358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oodles/pseuds/Oodles
Summary: What does it mean to be whole? Isa is done taking from Lea. He wants to try something new.





	unchecked accord

**Author's Note:**

> Axel/Lea is transmasc in this story. He is just a small-chested dfab and has not physically transitioned in any way. If there are certain words you are uncomfortable hearing applied to transmasc/transmale bodies, please keep in mind that I used the anatomically correct words for what a dfab body has. I am transmasc dfab myself and this has never bothered me, but I recognize that it could bother you! So. You've been warned for dfab terms. (I'll write the word** I used in the end notes so if you need to check, it'll be there, but if you don't care, you don't need to be spoiled.)

Ever since they came back, Lea has noticed how very careful Isa is with him. Every touch is necessary and intentional. He hardly allows them to be alone together, and when they are, he keeps distance between them. He speaks to Lea like they are relearning everything about each other. 

It’s driving Lea insane. 

Of course he would never go back to the way they were. Stalking each other through the castle, prodding and sniping at one another until someone broke. That’s not quite right. It was Axel testing Saix. Pushing at Saix until he lashed out. Watching him grapple for control. 

The first time had been an accident. Axel really had been pissed, screaming at Saix in the halls about how he didn’t give a shit about anything except his job and licking Xemnas’s boots, wondering how long before Axel became expendable. Saix didn’t scream back. Saix _never_ screamed. He did, however, drag Axel by the hair through a portal into his bedroom. The intention had been to stop Axel from causing a scene. Flushed from the pain and shock of getting corralled like that, Saix had looked at Axel’s red tinted face and told him, _do not speak to me like that out there._

Axel had retorted, _you’d prefer me to lick your boots too, huh? Well too fucking bad. You couldn’t shut me up if you tried._

Saix _did_ physically force Axel’s mouth closed, holding his jaw with gloved hands, leaning in close to whisper _maybe I can’t stop you from being an incessant loud mouth, but I can make you scream in a different manner._

It was probably supposed to be a threat of pain. 

Axel swallowed, felt his mouth working against Saix’s palm, and the threat became something else entirely. A pact they sealed as Saix slid his finger into Axel’s mouth to watch him bite the leather. 

They’d never tried anything like that before. Lea used to think they had so much time. He didn’t care about pushing boundaries. They used to share secrets and dreams of the future. He thought they had forever. But the longer they stayed in the organization, the more he felt like they’d lost their old selves and all those dreams. Axel thought they’d never be the same, never make it out, never be able to try something more than friends. 

Better to know it with poison on their tongues than not at all. 

That’s what he thought that first time as Saix pressed Axel’s face to his bed and fucked him like maybe this was something he just needed to be done with. And Axel, goading Saix through it even as tears sprang to his eyes, doing anything and everything not to let on how electric it felt. They wore each other down, pretending not to like it, as if this was a rational way to argue. Like they could walk away from it as they were— coworkers circling around each other, ever mindful of the other’s throat. 

Laughable now. Axel hardly walked away from it at all, so shaken by how far Saix had taken things, and even more shocked by how good it felt. Axel had to summon a portal halfway back to his room. He didn’t tell Saix that, though, because in Axel’s mind, that kept them equal. 

It hardly took any time at all before Axel coiled in on himself during the night, thinking about the merciless way that Saix handled him, wondering how to make it happen again. It was the closest thing to connection he’d had since Saix’s eyes had gone orange.

It became a game after that. Axel taking jabs at Saix in the hopes of riling him up enough to get Saix to touch him. Sometimes, Axel would intentionally seek Saix out while he was training in his berserker form, attempting to teach himself how to shut it on and off at will. Those were the times that Axel couldn’t move at all afterwards. Isa had always had a problem with chewing on his writing utensils. Apparently it carried over.

No matter how many times Axel had told himself to cut it out, stop indulging this, he did it anyway. Until, of course, Roxas and Xion came around. They reminded him of what friends were supposed to be. How he and Isa used to be. A bond that didn’t need to hurt.

After Axel had avoided Saix for a while, and the man seemed right on the edge of jumping down Axel’s throat for breathing too loudly, and there were whispers of traitors on the air, Axel went to him again. Just showed up in Saix’s empty bedroom and waited for him to come back. It had taken hours and he’d been in the man’s bed, half asleep, when Saix entered the room. 

“What are you doing here?” Saix had asked him, voice even colder than Axel remembered. 

Axel sat up, put his feet on the floor and just sighed. “Isa…”

“Don’t,” Saix immediately tried to shut him down. It was clear by then that Saix thought he’d fallen too far. “Get out.”

Axel didn’t move though. “Isa, I’m exhausted.”

“How nice for you,” Saix’s voice was thin. “Go sleep somewhere else.”

“Aren’t you tired too?” Axel asked. 

“No,” Saix responded, approaching him. “I don’t feel that anymore. I don’t feel anything. I don’t eat, I don’t sleep, I don’t _exist_. I am nothing. And you are a nuisance.”

Saix was standing there, boots positioned between Axel’s. 

“How can you say that when you’re still so pissed at me?” Axel asked. 

Saix lashed out, grabbing Axel by the throat, teeth bared. His eyes were turning yellow.

“It makes me feel better,” Axel said to him, not resisting at all. “Knowing it’s not just me. You lie to everyone. Even yourself.”

“Shut up,” Saix hissed, squeezing tighter. “It’s so easy for you. Go be with your _friends_. Leave me.”

“I don’t want to,” Axel said, voice gone quiet. 

Saix snarled, pressing Axel to the bed. He was on the verge of that state and Axel realized that this was meant to be punishment. But it wasn’t. It couldn’t be, not when Axel still craved being with him. Maybe there was something wrong with him, breath catching as Saix _ripped_ the zipper on his coat trying to get it off of him. They were desperate creatures, but Axel still thought Saix’s skin was soft. 

Even with Saix’s nails digging into his scalp, Axel gladly let him in. He knew there’d be bruises where Saix held him, didn’t care at all about the sharpness of his teeth. He had learned to enjoy the pain alongside the pleasure. The one seemed to heighten the other, and Axel was shaking underneath Saix’s weight, listening to the way Saix growled through the motions, losing himself in more ways than Axel could know.

He never let Axel look at him, but that time, Axel felt it differently. Saix was even more erratic than normal, as if it pained him too. He was distracted enough by something to let Axel see— his eyes caught between yellow and green. 

“Isa…” Axel’s voice was barely audible, but of course Saix heard. 

He hunched forward, like that name was physically weighing him down. “Shut up.”

But he didn’t. Axel just kept saying it, even while Saix roared louder to “ _shut up_ ” wrenching Axel’s body up closer to his, contorting him as if Axel didn’t like it just as much. As if this could ever be the punishment Saix had intended. Axel just kept whispering that name over and over as Saix fucked him harder and harder. The berserk form kept him going much longer than normal and Axel was out of his goddamn mind by the time Saix hit his limit. Panting for air, Saix leaned down, eyes gone back to orange, and whispered to Axel, “get out.”

It was the last time they touched until the dust settled.

 

Now, they are back and they are whole and it somehow feels like Isa is even less put together than he used to be. Lea hates to watch him struggle through every interaction, walking on cracked glass that only he can see. He is terrified of breaking everything. 

Lea wants to be patient. He wants Isa to heal at his own pace. He never, ever wants to be what they used to be. But he has never been so goddamn lonely and Isa is _right there_. He feels like a magnet pulled to Isa at any given moment, but Isa doesn’t ever respond. 

It takes weeks for Isa not to fidget through their conversations. Not to look at Lea like he’s about to shatter into a thousand pieces. To be able to leave the house for short periods of time. Crowds are difficult for him, the rush of Twilight Town on the weekends an absolute no. The old mansion where they have taken up residence is the only safe place for Isa, the only place he doesn’t look like he’s about to flee. The first time they went to buy groceries, Isa kept his eyes on his shoes, hardly spoke, and walked two feet behind Lea the whole time. But he never bumped into Lea, not once. He is always so careful not to touch if he can help it.

Lea is too scared to bring it up. He’s scared that the answer for why Isa never so much as brushes their shoulders together is unimaginable regret. That the things Saix did were never what Isa wanted and now he is repulsed by Lea’s very existence. Those are the dark thoughts that burrow into Lea’s mind when he is up at night, wondering why they aren’t friends anymore. 

And yet, Isa never asks Lea to go away. He could have stayed at Radiant Garden, worlds away from all of them, but he chose to stay here with familiar faces. Maybe it was base instinct, but Lea wants to believe that Isa likes it here. That he throws himself so completely into fixing this old place up so that they are safe again. Lea wants so badly to be friends, to be connected, to be able to touch in _any_ way at all without Isa flinching. 

Lea is starving now. He knows it’s bad when he’s thinking about the way Saix used to touch him and it’s got him sweating through the night. 

Three months go by before Lea asks Isa if they can hang out.

“Hang… out?” Isa echoes, lost at this phrase.

Lea nods a few times. “Roxas and Xion are both working tonight, but I’m not. And I’m pretty sure you have the night off.”

Isa looks cornered. It’s a bad joke. Isa doesn’t have a job, says he can’t handle it right now, but his full time job is fixing up the mansion and making the other’s food. He spends every available moment doing something in the house.

“I should… probably keep mending the basement steps,” Isa begins.

Lea tries his best to remain hopeful. “It can wait one night, can’t it? Not like anyone goes down there, and besides I… ”

His words fail him as Isa waits, looking like a rabbit in a trap awaiting a butcher’s knife.

Lea deflates, shoulders sinking, and he takes a step away. “It’s not a big deal. If you’d rather be working, it’s okay. I can entertain myself.”

He walks away, trying to hide his disappointment, but this is beginning to feel like it will never be fixed. Maybe they are just too different now. That history is barbed and bleeding them dry. If Isa can’t be his friend, Lea will have to make peace with that. Yes, it feels like sticking a knife into his chest, but so does the way Isa looks at him whenever he suggests they do anything.

He is tired of seeing fear in Isa’s face. If Lea stops bringing it up, maybe Isa will feel better.

Still, Lea wants so badly to bridge that gap. He wants to make this work and it’s killing him that Isa might not.

Then again. He knows what it’s like to come back from something you didn’t think you’d make it out of. Once he’s in his room, Lea breathes deep and reminds himself that he has to be patient. It’s not necessarily broken. He just needs to let Isa lead. 

He’s sitting in his bed reading a comic that Xion brought him from her new job when he hears a breath and looks up to see Isa standing in the doorway. Isa scans over the whole room before briefly meeting Lea’s gaze and looking at the floor.

“What… did you have in mind?” Isa asks. 

Lea’s back straightens, all that dangerous hope flooding in so quickly. “I don’t know. I don’t really care. It’s just been awhile since you relaxed, ya know? Thought it might be nice to get you out of the house. You’re probably breathing in dust all day in that basement.” 

Isa looks at him again. There is a more intense quality to his green eyes that Lea doesn’t remember from their youth. Isa is in a tank top and sweatpants, the usual outfit when he’s busy doing something labor intensive, hair pulled back into a ponytail. He considers this, eyes on the window.

“Do you think… it’ll be busy tonight?” He does this now. Stops and starts with his sentences as though remembering how to speak as he goes. 

“Not really but, there’s always the clocktower,” Lea says, trying not to get too excited at the thought of going out with him. “If you don’t want to sit near anyone. I-it’s not a big deal, though, you know? I don’t want you to think you have to.”

Lea rushes in to offer the excuse, because the only thing worse than disappointing Isa is making Isa think Lea is disappointed in him. 

“But you want me to,” Isa says, lifting his gaze back to Lea’s. 

Lea tries to smile. _Don’t rush him_. “I’ll be fine if you don’t want to. We have time, you know? Nothing needs to happen right now.”

Isa’s expression is pensive a moment. “Just… give me a minute to clean up.”

Lea stumbles over his response, not expecting a yes. “O-oh! Yeah! Sure. Take your time.”

“Mm,” Isa nods his head and drifts out of the doorway. 

Lea holds his breath until he hears Isa’s door click shut. _He said yes_. With a sigh, he flops back onto his bed. 

Step one. 

Lea futzes around in his room for far too long trying to settle on the right clothes to wear. He isn’t even sure why he cares so much. Nothing about this is actually that big of a deal. They don’t even have a plan, they’re just going to leave the house. For all he knows, they’ll get two steps out the door and Isa will change his mind.

 _That’s fine too_ , Lea reminds himself. _Isa has to do what feels best._

Lea leans his hands on the window sill and breathes in deep. _One step at a time. Slow down. He just has to catch up to you._

“Sorry, that took longer than I thought.”

Lea spins around to see Isa in his doorway again, freshly showered, hair still a little damp at the edges. He’s got black jeans on and a slouching blue hoodie from a thrift store that barely fits him. Lea grins. 

“Great!” 

A flash of concern passes over Isa’s face but it’s gone in an instant. “I have my keys.”

“Cool, I always forget mine, so that’s for the best,” Lea grabs his plaid jacket off the edge of his bed and Isa begins to walk toward the stairs to the front doors.

“I know,” Isa adds quietly.

Lea laughs. “Thanks for, uh, always letting me back in the house.”

Once they are outside, Isa locks the doors behind them and tells him, “I don’t mind.”

Lea jams his hands into his pockets. “I just feel bad when it’s late. Don’t want to wake you up.”

“I’d rather you wake me than Roxas or Xion,” Isa says, pocketing the keys and gesturing for Lea to lead the way. “Besides, I don’t… have the best sleep schedule.”

Lea starts walking backwards so he can still face Isa. “I, uh, yeah I noticed that.”

“I’m not keeping you up, am I?” Isa asks, concern edging in.

“No, course not,” Lea says. “You know I sleep like the dead. I only mean, when I _do_ remember my keys and come home late, you’re always up. I can see the light in your room. Is it… are you having trouble sleeping?” 

He blurts it out and then turns away, not wanting to sound like it has to be something. Why does this feel like trying to catch fog?

“I am reading,” Isa says. “Mostly. Xion has been bringing me books.”

Lea smiles as Isa falls into step beside him. “Gotta love that employee discount.”

“She spoils us,” Isa says, and there is fondness in his eyes. “What… were you reading today?”

“It’s this comic,” Lea starts, sheepish. “About a gardner. And a ghost. It’s sweet.”

Isa is watching him closely, he can feel it.

“You used to read comics all the time,” Isa says. “But I recall you used to like superheroes.”

Lea holds his own arm as they approach the edges of the town. “Yeah. Yeah I did. Now, I guess I like quieter stories.”

“I suppose it might be less desirable for a hero himself to read about such grand adventures,” Isa says it like it’s simple and Lea is bowled over by the implication. “Is the story good?”

Lea barely manages to get his words out. “Y-yeah, it’s good. The art is really pretty.”

He glances at Isa, who is— fuck— he’s smiling. Something about it is the most difficult thing for Lea to process. Worse than Saix’s rage and ire. Does Isa really believe that Lea is a hero? He looks… proud. 

“Maybe I can borrow it sometime,” Isa says as they step onto the pavement.

Lea is fighting off embarrassment. “It’s certainly… not what you used to like.”

“If you like it, I’m sure I will find something good in it,” Isa replies.

What the hell is happening? Isa seems almost normal, and it’s throwing Lea completely off balance. Lea’s got so used to pushing— not having that resistance is forcing him to overcorrect. 

“We’re here,” Isa says as they walk into the town. “What would you like to do?”

Isa’s slowly building confidence is turning Lea to stone. “Honestly, I didn’t think this far ahead.”

“Should we just take a walk?” Isa asks. “Toward the station?”

Lea nods, unable to grasp at words. 

Some of the old Isa is shining through, even in these ill fitting clothes, in a town that was never his, beside Lea who is no doubt a different person as well. It frightens Lea to realize that there is no possible way that he is exactly the same. Not after everything they’ve been through. He can’t tell, though, what he’s lost of himself. 

There’s a knot in Lea’s chest as they walk through the town. They dip in to see the movie projected against the wall. Isa says it’s too quiet. They drift by the restaurant. He says it’s too loud. Lea doesn’t care, of course. As much as this is throwing him for a loop, he’ll stay out for as long as Isa wants. It feels like the quiet air is lifting some of the weight from Isa’s shoulders. 

As they wander up the hill toward the train station, something draws Isa’s gaze. A clothing shop with a big glass display. There’s a beautiful jacket hanging off a mannequin and Isa stares at it for just a moment too long.

“You want to check it out?” Lea asks.

Isa gives just the hint of a smile. “I don’t need it.”

“You’d look good in it, though,” Lea offers, realizes his mistake, and forces his gaze onto the pavement in front of them, face burning. They can’t possibly be at the point where he can say something like that. They don’t even look each other in the eyes for more than 5 seconds, what the hell is Lea thinking trying to say Isa looks good?

This is harder than he expected.

“It’s probably expensive,” Isa says, voice gone quiet like it’s a secret. 

Something is bubbling up inside Lea, something he can’t keep down. 

“I’ll save up for it,” Lea says. “No problem.”

When he glances at Isa, and the man looks like he wants to laugh, Lea feels like he really is going to shatter into a thousand pieces. He didn’t think happiness would hit him the hardest. 

He still manages to grin like an idiot, pull himself together just enough to get in another remark. “You can have _one_ nice thing,” Lea says. “But that’s it. I don’t want it going to your head.”

“Of course,” Isa says, on the verge of smiling again. “We wouldn’t want that.”

That horrible knot in his chest is moving up his throat now, but god, this feels good. Lea is damn near overcome by the urge to walk closer to Isa, breech that space, see if he still feels warm. But he fights off the impulse, hands in his pockets, two feet between them as they climb the hill to the train station. 

They fall into an easy silence as they ascend the stairs to the clocktower. Isa is following him now, never having taken these stairs before. By the time they get to the top, there’s a pleasant burn in Lea’s calves. Isa steps over to the clock face and sits against that wall, legs stretched out toward the stone ledge. Lea sinks down into that space as well, facing him.

“I never thought I’d miss the portals,” Isa mutters.

Lea gives this half-swallowed laugh, not sure if he’s supposed to, but Isa has light in his eyes. “Get used to walking.”

Isa nods, seeming content with this after all. 

Lea bunches his hands together in his lap. 

“Thank you for bringing me out,” Isa says and Lea stares hard at the ground, because _this_ is also too much. “The air is nice. It’s just the crowds I can’t deal with. Walking through them to get here often feels like trying to cross a river.”

Lea nods, still not looking at him. “I get that. It’s okay. I don’t want to push you. You— you can say no.”

“I know,” Isa says and he sounds at peace with this, but Lea is about to crumble into ashes.

“You…” he struggles to force these words out. They feel like hot iron on his tongue. “You can say no to this place. To being here. T-to me.”

“Lea…” 

He looks up at Isa, but it’s far too late for calm. He can’t even see Isa through the water in his eyes. 

“ _You_ are not the issue,” Isa says, and Lea grits his teeth, unable to stop this mess. 

Lea is able to catch movement. Is Isa reaching a hand out to him? Lea wipes his eyes, seeing, yes, Isa’s arm opened up and Lea _finally_ falls apart. He’s sobbing into Isa’s chest, his whole body wracked by a pain he never put words to. Clinging to Isa’s sweatshirt like that’ll stop him from drowning. 

When he feels Isa’s arms settling around him, only then does he manage to say it out aloud.

“I thought you were done with me.”

Isa holds him tighter, and it makes it easier to breathe. “I’ll never be done with you.”

It takes Lea a while to calm down, but Isa doesn’t press. He sits there, holding Lea, patient. Finally, when Lea can get a full breath in and he realizes he’s come too close, he pushes back, alarmed all over again that he crossed a line.

“I’m sorry,” he says.

“It’s okay,” Isa says back, hands hovering between them, assessing Lea.

“I just… don’t want to make you— if you don’t want to.” Lea takes another deep breath, and Isa watches him carefully. “You just don’t touch me anymore.”

Lea wants to bite back the words as soon as they’re out of his mouth, especially when Isa gives this soft, exasperated breath.

“It’s not because I don’t want to,” Isa tells him quietly and Lea stares back. “I just wanted to be sure… that it was really me.”

Lea exhales years of confusion.

“I don’t want to hurt you ever again,” Isa says a little more firm. “The whole time that I was in the organization, I was in a losing battle. I let someone into my head and he made me cruel. I watched through his eyes, thinking that was the easiest way to gather information. I didn’t realize how much control he had until it was far too late. But the thing is, I wasn’t ever really gone. He simply amplified every horrible thought I’d ever had.”

“When… when we—” Lea tries to voice it, but it’s too difficult.

“Most of the time, I was imprisoned in that body,” Isa begins to say. “My personality, my wants, merely filtered through his actions. I was only ever able to take control when I was in that berserk state… and when I was with you.”

Lea watches something take over his expression. 

“Even at the helm of my body, he couldn’t stay away from you,” Isa says. “I let him have control when it came to missions, talking with the others, playing the part. But when it came to you, everything jumped right back to the surface. My regret and my anger and my jealousy. Not even _he_ could keep that down. 

“There were times when I wished he would just erase me. And then I would see you again, and it would all come rushing back. _Feeling_. Suddenly all I wanted was to feel as much as possible, even if all I could manage was suffering. I was incapable of being happy in that state, but you kept me from disappearing. Still, doing what I did. Touching you only to hurt you. There was a part of me that wanted to just… consume you. The way you clung to emotion. Sensation. I wanted to bring it all out of you, wanted to pull you into that body with me. But I hated myself for even thinking of damning you to such a fate.”

Isa gives a sigh. “I didn’t know if I was trying to punish you for seeking me out or punish myself for allowing you to. But the fact remains… He wasn’t able to create new desires in me. I was only capable of touching you because… it was something that carried over from my old self.”

Lea meets his gaze. Complicated, to say the least. Lea’s lips part, trying to find anything to say back, to start making sense of this. 

“I’m sorry for hurting you,” Isa adds quickly. “I should have said that first. I should say it a thousand times. It’s not fair, what I did. I know now, it’s really me here.” Isa touches his own chest. “He’s gone. All I can do now is try and earn the right to be… near you again.”

It’s enough in that moment to know that Isa wants to be here. Lea breathes once again, smiling. He doesn’t have the energy to tell Isa that he already has that particular right. Lea’s just overwhelmed to have it confirmed. Isa has chosen to stay.

“Amplified your thoughts, huh?” Lea says. He isn’t sure, yet, what that means.

“Before, I would never have been so cruel to you,” Isa says. “But that doesn’t mean I was ever the greatest friend. I want to do better now.”

Lea offers a smile. “I’m not keeping a ledger, just so you know. I’m glad you stayed with us. Someone’s gotta fix up that house.”

Isa looks pleased, in his subdued way.

“You wanna head back?” Lea asks.

“I kind of like the breeze,” Isa responds quietly, like this admittance is embarrassing.

Lea sits beside Isa, back to the same wall, but leaves room between them. “Me too.”

They stay out there until the sun goes down, easing into a conversation about life in the town— Lea’s new job running deliveries for the restaurant, Xion’s job at the bookshop, Roxas’s job at the grocery store. Lea tells Isa about the movies they go to see when the three of them have an evening together. He’s started to love movies, feels himself completely captivated by them. 

“I really need to work on being able to leave the house,” Isa says back.

By then, the moon is creeping higher into the sky.

“I need to stop letting myself be jealous.”

Lea studies Isa’s profile, his chest constricting at the thought of moving closer, but again he resists. “You don’t have to be jealous if you just join us. We can stay home with you, too. Until you’re ready.”

Isa glances down at his hands, folded in his lap. “I don’t want to hold you back.”

“You wouldn’t be,” Lea says. “So, get that thought out of your head. We won’t mind helping you.”

“Thank you,” Isa says. He lifts his head again, meeting Lea’s gaze. “Please tell me… if I can help you too.”

A chorus rises up in Lea’s mind, _just touch me one more time, please_ , but he shakes his head. “You’ve basically single handedly made that house livable. You’ve done so much. It’s okay. I mean, I don’t want to speak for Roxas or Xion, but…”

Isa gives that small smile again. “I’ll talk it over with them. Shall we head back?”

Lea nods. “Yeah, sure.”

The walk back is chilly and Lea huddles in his jacket. They walk quickly and quietly to the house, only parting ways for the evening on the landing between their rooms.

Lea waves at him. “Thanks for coming out.”

“I’m glad I did,” Isa says back. “Thank you for inviting me.”

“Anytime,” Lea says. “You’re always welcome, you know? To do anything with me.” 

Internally, he cringes at his own phrasing, but it’s the stupid truth and he knows it. Isa nods, and Lea doesn’t want this to be over, but he won’t press. It’s too soon.

“Goodnight,” Isa says, not having moved. “I hope you’re sleeping alright.”

“These beds are better than what I used to have,” Lea says with a smile. “I never really had trouble falling asleep anyway.”

Somehow they kill fifteen more minutes standing on that landing until Lea lets out a yawn and Isa gently tells him, “We can talk more tomorrow. Like you said, we have time.”

Lea nods, the exhaustion undeniable, but he’s already hooked on their conversation. He manages to force himself away with another goodnight. All in all, it’s a successful evening, so he tells himself not to push it. The relief is physically draining. Lea collapses into his bed, too tired even to read.

But the nightmares find him, seemingly reinvigorated by how close he is to safety. They show him Saix, of course, just out of reach. Saix with the claymore. Saix with teeth. No matter how fast he runs, Lea can’t reach him. He runs until it feels like his heart will give out. When he finally collapses under sheer exhaustion, legs gone numb, all he can see is Saix, but the man does not see Lea. Those orange eyes are fixed on something else. 

Through a cracked, dry throat, Lea tries to call out to him. Saix starts walking away, and Lea realizes that his voice is so quiet, there is no way anyone could hear him. No matter how much he tries he can’t get his friend to look at him. As soon as Lea gives up, letting go of the thought of seeing him, _that’s_ when Saix comes back. Saix with the claymore. Saix with teeth. 

He slams the edge of the weapon down next to Lea’s head, kneeling down to speak quietly in Lea’s ear.

“Useless.”

Lea awakens under a sheen of sweat and the feeling of a scream trapped in his throat. He rises out of bed, propelled by the echoing need to see Isa. Disoriented, over-tired, he is standing in front of Isa’s door before Lea realizes this is stupid. It’s only a bad dream. He shouldn’t be so panicked. Still, the echo remains.

But it’s the middle of the goddamn night and he needs to get a grip. Isa’s light isn’t on. Even though Lea’s breath is still shaky and his body feels leaden, he tells himself he’s okay. This isn’t a big deal. Isa is right on the other side of that door. Lea doesn’t need to see him. It’ll be alright. 

A horrible crescendo of irrational fears rise up like locusts hissing through his brain. _What if Isa isn’t there? What if something happened? What if he left you? What if he was pretending? What if he never cared at all?_

Lea makes a fist, gritting his teeth, trying to get it to go away.

He’s so tired, though, he leans forward, resting his head on the door with a soft _thud_.

“Lea?” Isa’s voice is quiet, but he’s definitely awake. 

Lea covers his own mouth, wondering if he should pretend he’s not there. _Don’t disturb him, let him rest._ But. He’s here, isn’t he?

“Yeah.” Lea’s voice is just a breath.

There is a soft shuffle before the door opens. Isa takes one look at Lea, concern bleeding through his expression, and Lea buckles. 

“Fuck, I’m sorry, I don’t know what the hell’s wrong with me,” he says, voice caught between laughter and tears. “I should stop bothering you.”

“What happened?” Isa insists. 

Lea fights for breath, unsure of what to say. He’s still thinking he should turn back, but Isa takes Lea’s wrist in his hand, holding firm.

“Lea.”

The contact is good. It brings calm. 

“Was it a nightmare?” Isa guesses. 

Lea nods.

“Can I help you?” Isa asks. 

It takes effort to meet Isa’s gaze and allow himself to be truthful. Fear beats through his heart, but he says it anyway. “Yes.”

“Come in,” Isa tells him, pulling gently.

 _Thank god_.

Lea drifts in after him, and Isa shuts his door. He guides Lea to the edge of his bed and they both sit down. Lea feels oddly jumpy now, back in an isolated space. Isa is still touching his wrist. He moves his thumb along the veins in Lea’s arm. It’s soft enough to give Lea goosebumps. 

“Is this okay?” Isa asks.

Already this is so different, but it also feels like exactly what Lea needs. He nods again. 

Isa watches him, taking Lea’s hand and turning it palm up. He traces his fingers from Lea’s hand up to the bend in his elbow. Lea breathes easier, trying to focus on the feeling.

“You kept saying… how you hurt me,” Lea says. “That you regretted it.”

Isa leans forward just an inch or so.

“What’s it say about me that I liked it?” Lea asks. 

It feels like the entire world has gone still when Isa stops moving. Lea holds his breath. Maybe he’s still having a nightmare. 

“I don’t know what’s worse, thinking it wasn’t really you who was with me, or thinking it _was_ you and you hated what we did,” Lea says. 

It takes Isa pulling Lea’s fist open for Lea to realize that he’s been digging his nails into his palm. 

“I know something broke inside me a long time ago,” Lea admits. “It’s not your fault. But it only hurts when I think that you’re ashamed.”

Isa takes Lea’s hand in his, wrapping his other around Lea’s wrist, studying his arm. “When we got back, I was scared that I kept feeling those impulses because of that lingering influence. I feared it meant he never left me. When I knew it really was just me, I feared that I was still holding onto my anger. But I’m not angry, and he _is_ gone.”

He looks up at Lea again. “It’s just you. You’ve always been so alive. You experience everything so fully. I… love… watching you feel. Emotion, sensation. Everything.”

Lea takes a deep breath of relief, but also something else. Something reacting to the brightness in Isa’s gaze.

Isa goes on, running his fingers back over Lea’s arm. “Back then, all I could manage was pain, because he didn’t allow for more, but that’s not why I did it. It wasn’t that I wanted to punish you, it was that I wanted so badly to see how alive you still were. I think I was holding onto my own heart through yours.”

Lea shivers as Isa trails his fingertips lightly up to his bicep, pushing the sleeve of his shirt up over Lea’s shoulder. 

“All I want is to see you feel,” Isa whispers this, leaning in closer to Lea’s arm. His face is only an inch away from the cap of Lea’s shoulder when he stops to meet his gaze. “Is that okay?”

Lea struggles for another full breath with anticipation now rising up like smoke through his body. 

“Yes,” Lea answers, voice hushed with disbelief. This _must_ be a dream.

Isa brushes his mouth over Lea’s skin in something that is not quite a kiss. Lea’s breath still hitches, though, his whole body alight with excitement.

“The way you react to every little thing,” Isa speaks into Lea’s skin, holding his arm tighter. He lets Lea’s hand go just to set his fingers onto Lea’s knee. “Like you can’t help it.”

Isa pushes the sleeve of Lea’s shirt back more, properly kissing Lea’s shoulder, sighing with it. Lea matches that sound with his own stuttering breath. 

“It angered him so much,” Isa says, moving in closer, holding Lea’s knee tighter. When he can’t push Lea’s sleeve back any more, Isa plucks at the collar of Lea’s shirt instead, exposing the hollow of his throat. “He hated how weak I was to you.”

Feeling Isa kiss his neck has Lea trembling. He shuts his eyes, his left hand going to his own leg to hold onto. The gentleness of it all is harder to handle than he expected. He got so used to jumping right in, no restraint, he no longer knows how to be patient. His breathing is a mess as Isa kisses his throat. 

“He never once let one of our meetings go unpunished,” Isa tells Lea. His fingers are almost digging into Lea’s leg now. “But it was worth it. Every damn time.”

Lea feels that old instinct to push him, the way Axel would with Saix, but he’s too scared now of ruining this. Still, he’s aching for more. Isa kisses him once again, right on his jawline, and Lea can’t stop himself from making this strangled sound, that excitement beginning to pour out of him. 

Isa reaches up to slide his fingers through Lea’s hair. It’s soft at first, his hand cupping the back of Lea’s head, but something comes over Isa’s expression. Maybe it’s the desperate look on Lea’s face, or Isa’s own impatience finally showing through but Lea can see Isa’s desire, as human and real as it’s ever been. 

With a sharp breath, Isa grips Lea by the hair, pulling his head back. The shock of it gets a gasp out of him before Lea realizes that Isa is giving him what he wants. They _can_ still have this. He _does_ want Lea. 

Lea’s shoulders untense, the fear of rejection falling away as Isa inches his hand up Lea’s thigh. 

“He tried once to have you,” Isa says in Lea’s ear. “It was meant to be retribution. He wanted to make me watch, but it didn’t work.”

Lea starts panting for air as Isa’s hand presses on the inside of Lea’s thigh. Lea moves with him, spreading his legs apart, wordlessly encouraging him. He can feel Isa beside him like the warmth of another sun. Even where they aren’t touching, Lea’s aware of the shape of Isa’s body.

“I wouldn’t let him,” Isa tells Lea, his hand so lightly settling between Lea’s thighs. When Isa speaks next, Lea can hear the edges of that old anger. “Only _I_ get to feel you.”

Lea gives a full body shudder with Isa easing his fingers over the front of Lea’s pants. 

“Only _I_ get to know how you taste,” Isa says, leaning their faces together, dragging his tongue over Lea’s lips.

Lea’s breath goes harsh at the feel of Isa’s fingers just catching that tense spot, more of a tease than anything else. Isa traces around the pulse with his thumb, and the lack of commitment is harder to stand than any of his old forceful habits.

“It won’t be the same, you know,” Isa tells him. “It’ll never be what it used to be.”

Lea gasps as Isa applies just a little more pressure. 

“Yeah, you never used to tease me,” Lea complains, showing him a strained smirk. 

Isa gives a soft noise, _almost_ smiling. He lets go of Lea’s hair in favor of his jaw, holding gently, mocking Lea’s impatience. “Is it difficult for you to wait?”

“ _Nope_ ,” Lea answers in altogether too obvious tones, legs beginning to tremble as Isa slowly rubs at him through the fabric of his pants. 

“Good,” Isa responds, tightening his hold on Lea’s jaw. “I intend to get as much out of you as possible.”

“This _is_ different,” Lea’s voice is a mess and his sarcasm is totally lost. Isa still looks like he’s enjoying the attempt. His lips part, watching as Lea sucks in air through his teeth at another insistent press of Isa’s thumb.

“Yes,” Isa agrees, pushing Lea by the jaw down against his bed. “From now on, I refuse to let a single inch of you go neglected.”

Lea feels a knee jerk disappointment to Isa lifting his hands away, but there is nothing disappointing about the way he’s looking at Lea. Time is new to him, but he can’t deny how very curious he is to see what Isa means. Still, he hates getting denied something right in front of him.

“You say, not touching me,” Lea replies, still sounding every inch as desperate, but he can’t stop himself from scratching that itch. 

Isa rests a hand on the bed, leaning over Lea with an expression that is entirely too kind for the hungry way he’s smiling. When he meets Lea’s gaze again, wetting his bottom lip, Lea feels his own pulse reverberating from his neck to his thighs. It’s so easy to recall the way Saix used to handle him; Lea can practically feel the echoes of it. But this? It’s downright unfair that only Isa seems to have learned how to pace himself.

“I’m not about to waste this,” Isa says, leaning down to kiss Lea’s collarbone, nuzzling his face down the front of Lea’s chest. 

Lea’s digging his hands into the bedspread as Isa takes a moment to brush his lips infuriatingly soft over Lea’s nipple. Even through his shirt, Lea’s skin reacts immediately and Isa smiles against him. 

“Isa,” Lea wants to sound mad, but all his voice can manage is a strangled whisper. 

The hand on Lea’s hip is just another tease, but Isa tonguing at him through his shirt pulls a moan from Lea’s throat. Lea’s eyes slide shut and he can’t help but arch his body up into Isa’s mouth. This is all new. Saix never cared about foreplay, but Isa is far too thorough. 

Isa picks his head up only to shove Lea’s shirt up out of his way. Any other time, Lea would feel self conscious about his barely-there chest, but here there is no time for those thoughts. Isa simply runs his tongue over Lea’s skin, his hand raking up across the other side of Lea’s chest, and Lea shudders, pressing his head back into the bed. 

Different, yes, but good in ways Lea couldn’t imagine. He doesn’t need to be angry anymore, doesn’t need to goad, so he just lets himself _want_. They may not be completely healed, but they aren’t nearly so broken and this feels amazing, like warmth after the longest winter. Lea buries a hand in Isa’s hair, pushing him in closer. It’s sinking in slowly. There is no fight to be had. They can be as selfish, as _indulgent_ as they like. 

Isa’s teeth may not be as sharp but he still knows how to bite. Lea hisses every time Isa switches his tongue for a hard edge, drawing up his own legs in anticipation because the sensation is piercing straight through him and if there’s one thing he knows about Isa, it’s that he finishes whatever he starts. 

Lea’s on the edge of trying to touch himself out of ragged need for stimulation, his hand inching back toward his own thigh. A stupid impulse, as Isa grabs Lea’s wrist and pins it above Lea’s head, resting his chin on Lea’s chest.

“I told you,” he says. “Only I can feel you.”

“Then do it,” Lea challenges, getting a thrill at the way Isa is holding his arm down. He won’t beg, but he will make demands. 

Isa smiles at him again, that all-too-sweet expression that is beginning to make Lea sweat more. “You are so beautiful.”

It catches Lea completely off-guard, his body untensing as he absorbs the compliment. 

“I always wanted to tell you,” Isa goes on, and a different kind of blush rises to Lea’s cheeks. “Before he took away my will.”

So very new.

Isa’s mouth works like he’s tasting his next words before he says them. They are staring each other in the eyes and Lea realizes this is probably the longest they’ve held each other’s gazes in years. 

“There you are, feeling everything to its absolute fullest,” Isa says, beginning to draw slow circles around Lea’s navel. “Forgive me for teasing. I just love watching your skin turn red.”

Lea fights for a steady breath. Isa’s eyes are so vividly green, almost like he’s on his way toward that berserk state again, but that can’t be right. Lea’s not entirely sure what to say, because in truth, the goddamn teasing is more electric than any of the shit they got up to in the organization. These light touches go so much deeper. It’s better when he knows that Isa is just as interested as Lea is. 

“It’s why I got so rough with you before,” Isa says as his fingers skim lower on Lea’s belly, the edge of his pants, just dipping underneath the waist. “Pleasure and pain had the same reaction to me. But now, I know what I want.”

Lea’s lips part as Isa lifts the fabric of his underwear and pushes down through thick hair. Isa tightens his grip on Lea’s wrist, leaning more of his weight into it, and lowers his face to kiss Lea’s bottom lip— painfully sweet.

“I’m through taking from you. I want to give now,” Isa says. “I want to give you everything you’ve ever wanted. Is that alright?”

Again, his finger skirts _right_ at the edges of him and Lea reflexively tenses his arm, but Isa is effectively holding him down without even trying. Isa kisses Lea’s lip again, like he just couldn’t care less how long this takes him. 

No more fighting— just connection. This is what he wants.

“Yes,” Lea finally answers him, voice scraped up from next-to-nothing. 

Isa responds with a quiet satisfied sigh, and finally touches Lea skin to skin. A tremor rocks through Lea’s muscles and he pushes up against Isa’s weight again, but Isa still doesn’t budge. Knowing he can’t move his upper body has Lea immediately bending his legs up, free hand clutching at Isa’s shirt. Harsh gasps are all Lea can manage with every pass of Isa’s index finger, still too fucking slow but _god_ Saix never did this for him.

Lea plants his feet on the bed frame, the tension of his parted thighs and his immobile arm heightening Isa’s languid touch. Lea lets his eyes close, head lolling back as he tries to move his hips along with Isa’s hand to encourage him. 

“Look at me,” Isa says, voice going firm, and the command brings Lea out of his haze.

Lea looks into green eyes, and he isn’t helpless, but there is something so satisfying about Isa pinning him to the bed by the weakest parts of him.

“Tell me what you like,” Isa says, his own voice gone thick. “You can have anything you want, just _don’t stop looking at me_.”

Isa presses harder into Lea, as if making a promise of more to come. A pleasant tremor shoots through Lea’s legs.

“Tell me,” Isa insists, voice full of sparks. “What do you want me to do?”

Lea’s already beginning to shake as Isa steadily works two fingers over him, the feeling setting off fireworks behind his eyes. Everything is so much warmer with all his clothes still on. He’s trying to find the words, the strength to get them out of his throat, the will not to just throw his head back, shut his eyes, let everything fall away. 

But that’s not what either of them want.

Chest swelling with every breath, Lea keeps his eyes on Isa’s. “Harder.”

Isa responds with more pressure, his mouth open, tonguing at his own lips as Lea’s brows cinch together with the effort of keeping his damn eyes open. He’s practically whining at the continuous stroking. 

“Wanna feel you inside,” Lea struggles to keep talking. “Don’t care what j-just want you to— _aah_.”

His words are robbed from him as Isa slides his fingers down over slick skin. With his palm anchored where his fingers had just been, Isa teases with just how easy it would be to fuck him. Lea is nearly choking on his breath, his one hand pulling on Isa’s tank top, the other straining under Isa’s grip. 

_Don’t shut your eyes._

He fights to stay looking at Isa, writhing uselessly with a much too loud moan that Isa quickly cuts off with his own mouth. Lea’s body is shaking as Isa tastes him, losing himself to the kiss, and Lea wants to reciprocate but he can’t focus with Isa’s fingertips carelessly tracing him. 

All Lea can hear for a moment are his own muffled gasps as he tries to inch his hips forward to coax Isa inside. Isa finally obliges, pushing both fingers in as deep as he can, and Lea gives this muted yelp, the sound swallowed up by Isa’s own mouth. Lea resettles his hand over Isa’s back and pulls him in closer. 

They’re kissing. He almost didn’t realize. 

They’ve never done this either.

For a few lovely seconds, that’s all it is. A kiss. Something Lea used to fantasize about as a teenager with endless reserves of imagination and free time. Before the poison and the doubt and anger. It seems to hit Isa too, and he stops pinning Lea down so he can touch Lea’s face a little gentler. He stops _everything_ , pulling his other hand up to Lea’s hip just to kiss him with more focus. 

Lea responds in kind, fingers threading through Isa’s hair, loving the feel of this— a deeper bond. It’s almost sweet enough to make him forget about everything else. 

Isa slows down to kiss each of Lea’s lips before looking back at him with half lidded eyes. In a single moment, Lea understands what it means to lust for someone— to want one person with his whole body; to be so goddamn excited by someone that his breath is coming faster and he can hear his own heartbeat like a drum. Lea barely twitches his hand in an invitation before Isa falls back into him.

Their next is less of a kiss and more of an exploration. Lea moans through the feel of Isa sliding his tongue in deep beside Lea’s, and there is a pleasant echo of anticipation in Lea’s thighs. This, too, feels like a promise and Lea is desperate to know what kind. Isa starts pushing at the waist of Lea’s pants and Lea lifts his hips to help. Not a second to spare for self consciousness at being naked. Isa breaks away for a deep breath in before he starts to kiss a path down Lea’s body. 

Lea _wants_ to keep watching him, not even annoyed that the man is still dressed, just hypnotized by the hungry way he laps at Lea’s skin. Before Lea can put two and two together, Isa sits up and Lea thinks _now_ he will undress, but, no, he simply pulls the elastic from his wrist and quickly ties his hair into a bun. Lea watches him with bated breath, expecting at any moment for the turn where Isa will take his clothes off. 

With a downright greedy look in his eyes, Isa takes Lea by the waist and slides him further back on the bed. Lea’s breath catches at the sudden movement, but he has no time to process before Isa has Lea’s thighs in his hands, kneeling between Lea’s legs. Lea’s on the edge of annoyance all over again at the lazy way Isa smooths his palms over Lea’s skin. Now he’s just staring and Lea begins to wonder if Isa’s playing with him, but Lea doesn’t want to beg. Not yet, anyway.

“You know I have work tomorrow, right?” Lea asks.

Isa’s lips curve into a smirk as his hands ease around Lea’s hips. “I believe you’re due in at eleven fifteen. Or did something change?”

Of course Isa knows exactly when Lea’s shift starts. He probably also knows exactly what time it is right now, _and_ exactly how fucking close Lea is to losing it. 

Isa leans in closer and closer, head tilting like he’s solving some kind of puzzle, and Lea would be more angry if Isa didn’t look so goddamn pretty with his hair up like that. Lea certainly can’t be mad when Isa exhales and Lea can feel it between his legs. Lea’s own breath goes choppy and he instinctively starts digging his heels into the bed to stop himself from yelling if Isa does what it seems like he wants to do. 

When Isa kisses the inside of Lea’s thigh instead, both hands pushing up under Lea’s ass, Lea grits his teeth. Isa’s tongue is on his skin again, as if Lea’s leg is really all he wants, and Lea is on the verge of grabbing him by his lovely hair when Isa speaks once more. 

“Just tell me what you want,” he says in a hushed voice. “I’ll give you anything, Lea. All you have to do is ask.”

Right. He doesn’t have to beg at all. That’s not what this is anymore. They are different, they are better, and they are _both_ here right now. Somehow, that makes it feel even more impossible to say. Lea isn’t demanding something from a heartless being. He’s not spitefully seeking a connection he knows won’t give him what he wants. 

Here and now, everything he says carries the risk of being followed through on. 

If he asks, Isa will answer. 

Lea will like or he won’t, and they’ll have to deal with that. Terrifying, when he thinks about it. How close they are to something real.

Lea puts his hand over his own mouth. Even though he’s scared, he can’t stop himself because this is absolutely what he’s always wanted. The words are rising to the surface all their own, and all he can do is try to quiet the sounds.

“I want you to do whatever you want,” Lea speaks against his own fingers. “I want to feel you, Isa. I don’t want to be able to think about anything except what you’re doing to me.”

When Isa kisses his thigh again, Lea can feel his teeth.

“Just shut me up,” Lea sighs, letting his head fall back. 

Isa _laughs_ — a low smoky sound that sends goosebumps rippling over Lea’s skin. 

Lea goes to glare, watching Isa pull away, but before he can gather some snarky response, Isa is hauling Lea in closer by his thighs. He dips his head down to hook one of Lea’s legs over his shoulder so that when he straightens his back, Lea moves with him. Without hesitation, Lea starts trying to help, though it hardly matters when Isa is strong enough to move Lea however he damn well pleases. Isa wraps both his arms around Lea’s middle, holding the center of Lea’s body up to his face like it’s nothing.

There’s a split second of pure awe as Lea thinks about what they’re doing— his legs wrapped around Isa’s neck like a fucking scarf, contorted like that just so Lea can keep looking at him because with Lea’s back draped over Isa’s chest and his head still on the sheets, _all_ _he can see_ is Isa’s face. 

Course, all of that goes out the window when Isa licks him. Lea wants to let go and just shout with it, but it’s too late in the night for that so he slaps his hand back over his mouth instead. His muffled sounds are getting more shrill as he watches Isa lean in, eyes sliding shut, like’s going to kiss Lea, and Lea’s body bucks involuntarily as he feels Isa’s tongue entering him. 

Lea bites down on his own hand because nothing else will keep him quiet. Isa tastes him like that a few more times, gripping Lea’s waist even tighter each time he dips his tongue back inside. The blood is rushing to Lea’s head, his legs are trembling, and he might be about to draw his own blood, but he has never felt this alive. Goddamn exhilarating.

Isa lifts his head after a moment, lips parted in a sigh as he looks down at Lea again. It’s almost too much to see his irises tinted yellow, and the sharpened points of his teeth.

“Y-you still… have that?” Lea is hardly able to speak.

Isa smiles at him. “Only for you.”

Any other time, Lea might have been frightened to think that Isa still had access to the berserker state. Not now, though, with his body completely vulnerable and bared to Isa and that possessive look in the other man’s eyes. Now, it is under _their_ control. That energy pulses on Isa’s tongue as he closes his mouth around Lea’s clit. 

It’s too much. Lea’s practically chewing on his own fingers to keep from yelling, his other hand helplessly scrabbling at Isa’s shirt again. His legs are going numb, slipping from Isa’s shoulders, but the man just holds Lea firm in his arms. That magic probably makes Lea’s weight utterly trivial, so Lea lets his thighs go slack and if that doesn’t just send a jolt of sensation straight up his spine. 

Isa’s lips are soft, _god_ , his tongue pressing at him, wet and needy, _fuck_ , his teeth—

“Isa, _Isa_ ,” Lea starts chanting his name, speaking it into his palm like some kind of prayer. Everything inside him is tightening up with the constant stimulation and Isa doesn’t show any signs of tiring. He’s only growing more insistent in the motions, like he wants to devour Lea this way and all Lea can do is shake as it happens. 

Every goddamn inch of him. 

Isa gives, alright. He gives and gives and _gives_ until Lea’s throat is raw from panting and there’s hardly any feeling in his legs and all the tension in his body is held right underneath Isa’s tongue, taught like a wire. It’s almost funny how such a small thing can break him, but it is a spectacular feeling when he snaps. He forgets their little agreement, shutting his eyes as warmth spills up out of him. His body twitches with these too-sweet aftershocks because of course, Isa doesn’t let up until Lea has gone completely limp in his arms.

Spent, covered in his own mess, heart thrashing in his chest. 

Lea smiles as wide as he has since he’s been back. Yes, they are undeniably whole. And Lea is undeniably in love with Isa. This he has known for a while, but the knowledge had grown faded over the years. Now, though, it is loud and technicolor and roaring in his ears as Isa gingerly sets Lea’s legs back down on the bed and lays beside him. 

The man kisses Lea on the shoulder before asking in a quiet voice, “Will you stay with me tonight?”

Lea glances over at his now-calm green eyes. He can hardly believe that _this_ is what brings a shy expression to Isa’s face. Not what he _just_ did, but asking Lea to sleep in his room. Something they once did _before_ , back when it had no meaning. Isa’s nearly hiding behind Lea’s shoulder as he asks.

Lea grins and presses a kiss to Isa’s forehead. “I’ll stay with you forever, idiot.”

Isa responds with his arms wrapped around Lea’s back. “I deserve that name.”

“Yeah,” Lea says, holding him back. He can feel Isa’s heart beating and he takes a deep breath, kissing his forehead again. “You deserve a lot, Isa. I’ll start with that jacket.”

“Lea…” 

“Movies too, I want to show you more movies,” he goes on. “And comics. Lots of those.” 

When Isa laughs, Lea knows they are okay. More than okay. This could even be _good_.

“As long as I’m with you,” Isa says. 

Lea holds him even tighter, because he can’t get close enough, because Isa, _this whole person_ , is finally back where he belongs. 

“I won’t let you go.”

**Author's Note:**

> who needs a redemption arc when you can just dine on your boyfriend like he's an all-you-can-eat buffet? 
> 
> the title of this fic is borrowed from a very good song called Will Calls by Grizzly Bear. 
> 
> **Hi I use the word 'clit' in this fic, sorry in advance if that's a no-go for you reading about a trans male character. Again, I am transmasc myself, so please remember that. I love you all and will not be offended if you need to skip this on a triggering level.


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